Fear Of Threshold

Did I have enough fun while I was single and childless ? Did I misspend my youth adequately ? Did I party in a way that my 90 year old self will look back and crack a contented smile ? No, across the board, no.
    Sure, I had fun, I partied, I had a gas at times. Most often though I sat in a room with friends who held guitars and passed reefers or passed reefers and watched bad movies or funny movies or good movies, but movies all the same. At the time, that's what was done, that's how the friends gathered. Looking back, what a waste of getting wasted. What a load of boring non-events I sought out night after night. I should have gone dancing when I said I didn't feel like it. I should have made a pass at her, him, them when I had the chance. I should have said, yes, I'll visit you in Vermont, yes, I'll eat those mushrooms, yes, I'll meet your friend, yes, I'll go camping.
    Too often it was sorry, I don't feel like it. In reality I was nervous, anxious, afraid. Afraid of novelty. Fear of threshold, I called it. I'm afraid of stepping over that invisible line and into a new world. Once I'm in the new world though, big deal ! Oh this ? Why was I afraid of this ? This is nothing.
    It wasn't the new world I was afraid of, it was stepping into it that sounded my alarms. Why is this ? Why should novelty be such a terrifying thing ? Devil you know will bore you to tears. I was often so bored and it's true what they say, it's because I was boring. I still may be boring but I think I'm actually a little less so nowadays. We'll see how this plays out.
    I was bored, I sat and scribbled while my friends sang songs together. I was too nervous to sing along. I wasn't good at it, so I drew to the beat. I was a visual artist insisting on hanging out with this bunch of musical people. I could have been sitting around a table and laughing and drawing with other drawers but they weren't the ones who were my friends. It's complicated. Yes, there is regret.
    I can't get into all the shoulds right now because I'd run out of pixels and life is too short to boot, but I should have had more courage. I should have got up and left. I should have sought out another scene. I should have stayed home and I should have gone out. I should also cut myself some slack, now I know about that whole youth is wasted on the young thing, 20/20 hindsight and all that. At the time, all I was doing was hanging out with my friends. I didn't think that I was actually making decisions or that I had options or choices or any of that. I was hanging out with my friends. Passively. Repeatedly. Boringly.
    Man, get out there and try out people. Go to parties, meet strangers, buy your own drugs, sing out loud even if the whole world knows you suck because by doing so you won't. It's not to late for me, near forty-six and father to a baby boy. I'm learning new things and trying things out, slowly maybe but surely. And I don't want this kid to be too afraid of this old world of ours. I won't push it but I hope he falls farther from the tree than I did.

The Scene

I'd consider becoming a Freemason if I didn't think it all so very boring. The craft itself, of course, can be a hoot and all study, in all fields, must be applauded. I've asked my friends who go to lodge and they've outlined the basic tack and I've read some books and drafted some charts but if I had a friday evening off every month, I may want to do something else.
    If I moved to another town, I'm sure it would be a great way to meet the community of retirees. I'd also try the local church not every sunday but occasionally. I think about these things because I hardly radiate outwards more than a few blocks from my home and office. So I fantasize about making the scene in some small town. I'd have to be careful, I'm prone to eye contact and nodding to strangers. If I waltzed into your town I may make the grave mistake of befriending the wrong people. Then what ? All downhill from there. Best to keep a low profile with eyes open. See who is who. Imagine the gossip, 'you know that new guy?' 'what about him?' 'we'll he fell in with the Millers' 'oh boy'. You see ? Nobody needs that, especially the new guy.
    I've never been the new guy. I'm so totally the old guy, it's wearing me down. I've eroded grooves in the sidewalks around here. I'm taken for granted, the perennial local. Always here. Never much anyplace else. I've too often imagined what it would be like to disappear without a word. Not ditch my family, just slip away for a sabbatical without the acquaintances knowing. Let's see how long it takes before someone notices. Hey, how would I know ? I can't leave and keep tabs on the effect my leaving is having. That's ego-tripping big time. But that's the fantasy, I leave and I come back to a changed world. The coffee shop has changed hands, there's a whole new set of cool kids, hell, there's a whole new set of ex cool kids. The elders are different. I'd come back invisible. I'd look around and no one would say hi to me like they do now.
    I live around the corner from Sesame Street. Everybody knows everybody. The revolving door does spin quickly around here and the new crop of kids keep to themselves until they can suss out who is detrimental to their fostered reputation. It's all a fiction anyway. Eyes flitting away quickly in case they get locked in with some hoary old local like me. Then they're done with. The last thing a cool kid needs is to be in with someone who is in with postal workers and bus drivers and merchants and can collectors. Cultivating exclusivity is the very trade of cool. You can't be cool with a silly grin on your face, waving to people. That doesn't work. You gotta be like you don't give a shit you don't know anybody and you're so lonely you just wish you could say hi to those guys, they must be in a band. Who doesn't want to be in with the guys in the band ?
    I'll tell you who, the guy who owns the club. He couldn't give a shit. Everyone he sees is in a band. Everyone I see is a head and a heart walking around wanting to belong. Somewhere if not here. If not here, then where ? A small town with a good bookstore, a twenty minute walk to some water, a decent café, and a population of former cool kids that are done with scenes. I'd go there. If there wasn't a lodge in that town, I sure as hell wouldn't start one but I would go to the open mic at the café and see if anyone there had the spark.