Sunday, June 15, 2014


My dad's ok. He laughs a lot and makes many many suggestions to me about what I can do with this or that. He doesn't listen much or at least doesn't reveal that he's listening. Lots of people like him, he's a totally nice guy. Generous and friendly. Works hard.
    I don't really know what to say about him. He gets on my nerves but that's me too. He's also fun. Well, he's more fun as I get older. I'm a father now too and I see him emerging in me. How I gnaw my child is pure dad. I try to breathe deep and deflect my stress into calm. I think it's working. My dad is kinda stressed. His back is a wall of muscled tension. A massage would hurt, he says. I try to stay limber and supple. I don't want it to hurt so much that I won't do for a back rub. He won't stand for it. One of these old guys that think work and exercise is the same thing. Not the same thing, dad. One thing he says constantly is 'I know one thing….' and then he says something you've never heard before. He knows a lot of one things. He says I know I know while you're telling him something that he doesn't know. It could get frustrating. He was the youngest of nine siblings so that must count for something. Maybe jostling for attention, maybe being ignored by adult siblings.
    I can continue but I won't. I guess I do know what to say about him but am unsure what to prioritize saying. The things I just said are a start. Having a kid makes me realize that my relationship with my folks better get mature and pronto. I've been a kid far too long, in their eyes and in my own. Infantilized to a certain extent. A few short years ago I'd fight with my mom so she wouldn't do my laundry. They take me back if I wanted to move back home, maybe even happily. They both left the country of their birth and thus their families when they were nineteen year old kids. They hold onto us like there is no tomorrow.
    One of my recurring fantasies is just me leaving, going for a long walk, travelling across the country, returning much later. Not keeping in touch too much.
    Things are changing now that I have a kid, but they're changing because I'm adamantly reminding my folks that I'm a forty five year old man.
    Happy Father's Day.